Of Spines and Parchment
by Flash.Asuna
Summary: Regina was itching to use magic now that she had it back. After failing to kill her mother in Wonderland, Regina decided that Hook needed to pay, one way or another. Who knew she could do it with a few books? OUaT one-shot comedy fic. Little bits of Red Beauty and pre-Swan Queen thrown in for the fandom. This fic is rated T for adult language and suggestive themes.


**Hello again! After all the wonderful pics of Hook being tossed into bookcases, I couldn't help but write a short one-shot about Hook vs Books. Added a bit of Red Beauty and pre-Swan Queen for the fandom. This one is totally for comedic purposes. Enjoy!**

****I don't claim ownership of any of these characters. That's just silly.****

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Of Spines and Parchment

Regina Mills was bored. Magic was back, as well as her mother and the smarmy Captain Hook. All of the things that she left behind were now haunting her. Along with it came the need. The need for magic, the feeling of its electrifying tendrils seeping through her skin.

"Regina, what in the world is wrong with you?" Cora asked as she approached her daughter's desk. She looked down at her disdainfully, disapproving of the wistful look in Regina's dark eyes.

"Mother…" Regina answered in a small voice, "Nothing…I was just contemplating a spell." She sat up properly and began rearranging things on her desk as if attempting to look busy. She picked up a book that was buried under various stacks of paperwork and eyed it carefully. "Mother, where did you say Hook ran off to earlier?"

Cora raised an eyebrow and then smiled sweetly at Regina. "Why, I believe he wandered off to the library. It seems Belle has taken to reading again, as if it would restore her memory, and well… we all know how Hook loves to play. But why are you looking for him?"

"No reason. I have magic and I want to use it. It's been nearly thirty years." Regina stood from her desk with the book in hand, intent on following Hook to the library. She ignored her mother and headed straight for the door.

A puff of blue smoke appeared in front of her just as she reached the door. She jumped back with her arm raised as if ready to send the smoke flying through the doors. Cora's smile melted into a devious grin. "Darling, if you had told me you were interested in Hook, I'd be happy to arrange something. Although, I don't necessarily approve of my daughter involving herself with such a dirty pirate, I will have to take what I can get. By the looks of this… Storybrooke, there isn't much."

Regina scowled, "Mother, I am most certainly _not_ interested in Hook. The man is disgusting and even the fact that he has been staying here in my house is making me ill. In fact, I'd rather be seen with the Savior than Hook."

Cora's eyes widened at Regina's attitude-laced retort. A small snort escaped her as she turned her head and gazed at her wayward child. "The Savior? That blonde headed dimwit of Snow White and Charming? Child, please don't make such crude suggestions. First off, she's a woman. I won't have grandchildren that way unless you have some ridiculous spell up your sleeve. Secondly, she's the daughter of your enemies. I'd say the only thing positive about her is that she's a Princess and you're already a Queen."

Irritation gave birth to a headache that was slowly creeping into Regina's temples. She shut her eyes slowly, then opened them and glared at Cora. "It was rhetorical. I'm going out for a bit, just stay here and try not to scare the neighbors. Go watch _Bewitched_ or something." She stalked out of the house and to her car, determined to make it to the library without giving Cora the chance to follow her.

Cora tilted her head slightly as Regina practically slammed the door as she left. "What a temperamental child. But, I'll take up her suggestion. I do enjoy watching that _Bewitched _show. That Endora is quite a character." Satisfied with her decision, Cora hurried off to the living room where she could sit on the couch and watch the thing Regina called a television.

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Killian Jones, otherwise known as Captain Hook, was on a mission. The crocodile was subdued for the time being and his enemy's 'treasured thing' was safely back in her library. Belle had been released from the hospital and although her memory was still gone, she had taken to trusting Ruby Lucas more than anyone else in town. But Hook had a plan. He'd sweep in, seduce the librarian's panties off and disappear into the night like a storm at sea.

He had been observing her for a few days. She spent more time reading than anything else, curled up in a corner with her nose in a book. She was a funny girl, that Belle. Her eyes would light up when Ruby would visit, offering to share lunch with her or trying to indulge her with questions about books. Hook didn't really give a shit. Why should he? He was a pirate, a vagabond and a conqueror. There was no need to do more than charge in and take what he wanted.

Except that Hook had one problem: books. For some god awful reason, he was always being thrown into a bookshelf or being crushed under one. Even in Regina's house, his attempt to pour himself a drink resulted in a shelf collapsing and a pile of books to come raining down on his head. Books were not just inanimate objects… they were different.

Sneaking into the library was easy. Belle seemed to be gone for the afternoon, but Hook was patient. He could wait. In fact, he would wait. Tucked into the shadows of the shelves, somewhere between the fiction and autobiography section, he crouched down and watched the door.

The sound of leather and paper hitting the ground made him jump. He ended up on his rear, holding his hand to his chest and glaring at the fallen book down the aisle. "What the bloody hell was that… damn book." He looked around carefully, assessing if coming out of hiding was a good idea. It was still light outside. It seemed that Belle might be out for the entire afternoon or longer. He stood up and picked up the book, replacing it on its shelf. He didn't hear the whizzing of another book as it flew past him and into the shelf. "What the hell?!"

Hook spun around, expecting to meet his assailant. Nothing. No one. He crouched down and moved along in quiet steps. There weren't any hunters or trackers in this world, except maybe Snow White. But even she would just rather shoot him with her bow than throw books at him. Whoever was attacking him was trying to mess with his head.

He reached the end of an aisle, glancing around the open space in front of him. No one still. Behind him, a small end shelf of featured books fell down, several of the leather spines tapping the back of his boots. Hook jumped several feet with a yelp. He skidded across the floor, turning as he did towards the shelf. "All right, I know you're here, Cora! Enough is enough! I get it, you're mad about something. Come out and we'll talk, love. Hook's honor." He gazed down at the books that had fallen and peered at the titles. _Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, The Beauty and the Beast, Peter Pan._ Hook scoffed and kicked the books, sending them flying across the room. "Stupid things."

` He waited. Cora didn't come out. In fact, not a single sound was made. He looked back at the mess of books. He wasn't going to pick that up. Pirates don't clean. As he turned around, a book floated in front of him, wide open with pages fluttering. Hook screamed. No, not just a yelp or a small sound. He screamed as if terror were manifested in the bound monstrosity in front of him. He climbed up onto a work table as the book floated towards him, flapping its covers like wings. "Stay back!" he ordered. The books didn't listen. In fact, more of them floated off the shelves, flapping towards him like a flock of crows on the attack.

Hook drew his knife from his belt, brandishing it at the imposing attackers. "Not in this lifetime, books! Killian Jones will not be brought down!" He swung his knife, hitting the books and taking chunks of paper and leather out as he did. He tilted his head back, let out a strong cry of murderous intent as only a pirate could. He jumped up and grabbed a hold of the fluorescent light above him. He wasn't expecting it to break on the end he grabbed, sending him flying through the books as he held on tight. A grin played across his face. It was just like on his ship, the days he would spend fighting other pirates or towns that would try to fight the crew of the Jolly Roger. He landed gracefully on another table, knife still in his hand, ready to take on more books.

Now the swarm had grown. Books of various sizes and styles were floating, flapping, diving towards Hook, as if to take him down. He laughed heartily as he jumped up again, grabbing another fluorescent light and swinging across the room to another table. This one was older than he expected and he slid down as the legs snapped on one end, creating a ramp. Using the momentum of the slide, he leaped off the table to grab yet another light, finally swinging around and landing on Belle's reception desk.

"Come at me!" he shouted to the books. "I am Killian Jones, Captain of the Jolly Roger and I will defeat you!" All around him, books continued to swarm in like an angry hive of bees. They hit him in the head, in the shoulders, clamped down on his arms, knocked into his knees. The books were clearly out to get him, he was sure of this. His eyes had gone bloodshot and unfocused, swinging madly at the books that surrounded him. A particularly large one pierced through his defenses and slammed into his face, the words blurring in his vision. "_…the God of your fathers –the God of Abraham, the God of Issac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you… _what in the?" Hook swatted the heavy Bible away from his face. Another book fell over his eyes, forcing him to read through another line of some other book. "_SHE KILLED SIRIUS! SHE KILLED HIM – I'LL KILL HER!_" Another heavy book in his face, sent flying by his knife. Two others hit him in the chest, knocking him off his balance. He fell to the ground behind the desk, the books coming down on him like piranhas that had been fed fresh meat. "_Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger_." "_It was the best of times, it was the worst of times_" "_The Answer to the Great Question…. Of Life, the Universe and Everything… Is… Fourty-two,' said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm." "His life was gentle; and the elements so mixed in him, that Nature might stand up, And say to all the world THIS WAS A MAN!" "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins." "My name is Bella Swan…" _Hook screamed. He screamed as loud as he could. The last one, the last line… it was like a curse. _Swan… Swan… Swan…_

Page after page, book after book, they piled onto Hook as if trying to bury him. He brought his arms up to shield himself, twisting and turning on the ground in helpless attempt to break free from the attack. Just when he swore he would die of suffocation from the mass amount of books, he was yanked up by his hook arm and came face to face with an angry looking Emma Swan.

"Hook?! What the hell are you doing here?" she demanded. Her green eyes were on fire, staring at him with so much irritation that he barely was able to register the frightened look of his target behind her. Belle hid behind Emma a few feet away, casting a frightened gaze at Hook. "I get a call from Belle about some psycho in her library tearing up the place and it's _you_?!"

"The books…" he muttered. "They're coming… they… it… the books, Swan… the books…" His eyes focused slightly on her and his jaw unhinged itself, "Swan… you… they told me… you… Swan…" He suddenly realized the situation he was in. He became angry and attempted to swing at Emma. She dodged easily and glared at him. "You! Bloody hell, Swan, unhand me! You did this with your haphazard magic, didn't you?! I'll get you for this! No one makes a fool of Killian Jones!"

Emma picked up a random book with her free hand and smacked Hook with it in the head. His eyes seemed to rattle in his head as he lost focus. She looked at the copy of _The Once and Future King_. "All right, you're done." She raised an eyebrow at him then dragged him out of the library. Waiting out the door was her father, Prince James fucking Charming. Hook groaned as he was tossed from Emma's grasp to Charming's where he was immediately handcuffed. "Stay out here, Belle. I'm going to clear the area." Belle nodded, remaining outside where Charming was not having as difficult a time as he imagined with a book-crazed Hook.

Charming forced Hook to sit down on the curb. Hopefully it would calm him down. The former Prince looked up at Belle. "What exactly did you see?"

"I was coming back from lunch with Ruby and saw him through the window. He was jumping around and climbing on the tables, swinging off the lights and holding his knife. I have no idea what he was doing, but he was waving his knife around like he was fighting something. Is he... crazy?" Belle asked, making sure to keep her distance from Hook.

"If he wasn't before, he is now." Charming replied.

Emma walked around the library. It appeared that Hook was just jumping around madly in the library. Clearly he swung on the lights, breaking a few of them and breaking the legs of a table. But every book was in place, not a single paper moved. She narrowed her eyes to something she saw under a shelf. One book, with its corner jutting out slightly from beneath the book case. It jutted out slightly, appearing to move on its own. But Emma didn't think so. She quietly crept around the bookshelf to find the doubled over figure of Regina Mills, her hand covering her mouth and her eyes shut tight.

"Regina?!" Emma exclaimed, rushing over to the former mayor and bending down beside her. She placed her hand on Regina's back, but then realized that the woman wasn't in pain… she was laughing. Really hard. "What the hell, Regina? What's going on here?"

It was too much. She couldn't contain herself. Regina stood up, laughing genuinely for the first time. Emma stepped back, shocked at just how melodic her laugh was when it was a good hearted one. A bright smile spread across Regina's face, causing Emma's heart to skip a beat. "Oh dear… Sheriff Swan. I'm terribly sorry. I was just… having a bit of fun with the Captain."

"Care to explain why half the lights are broken and why he seems to be ready for the basement of the hospital?" Emma looked down at Regina's feet where she had lightly kicked a book. It was the book that moved under the shelf that had given away her hiding place. She picked it up and looked at the cover. _Swan Lake._ She opened up the cover and saw the last borrower's name. _Mills, Regina_.

"It was just a bit of fun. I didn't think he'd turn the library into a jungle. Don't worry, Sheriff. I'll take care of the damages. I just felt like paying him back for some old debts he never paid." _Like taking out my mother in Wonderland._ Regina straightened out her dress and her jacket, pulled up her knee high black boots and headed towards the door. She raised her head proudly, clearly attempting to reestablish her regality after her fit of laughter. "I'm not so crass as to actually cause damage to the books. It was all in his head. Even in this world, books are knowledge. Tables and lights on the other hand, I have no loyalties to."

"I thought Henry asked you not to use magic."

Regina turned on her heels and stepped into Emma's personal space. She looked her up and down momentarily before her brown eyes met the Sheriff's green ones. "I don't have to answer to you, Miss Swan. Have a good day." She spun around quickly, increasing the space between them and she headed to the door.

"Um, you forgot your book, Regina." Emma held it out to her, stepping past the aisles to catch up with her. Regina stopped and looked over her shoulder at the blonde woman behind her.

"I was done with it. It was a waste to read. To think that a sultry little swan was really a beautiful princess. Another ridiculous tale of true love conquering all. Hmph… fairy tales." Regina practically spit the words out at the book in Emma's hand. As she reached the door, she saw that Charming and Belle were still outside. Not wanting to have any more incidents thrown against her name, she raised her hand and disappeared in a thick cloud of purple smoke. She had her fun, it was time to go home and get down to business. At least her itch for magic was settled for awhile.

Emma stood alone in the library, clutching the book to her chest. A small smile crept up to her face as she brought the book to the reception desk and wrote in the borrower's card. _Swan, Emma._

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**Hope you guys liked this one! Looking forward to reviews!**


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